Dear Spokeo.com,
Apparently you’ve been stalking me and then pimping my information out to the electronic universe. If you were a creep leaving size 12 boot prints in my flower beds I’d have the legal grounds to pull you before a judge while I staged an internet campaign all over YOUR identity. But since you’re an ambiguous person chugging Red Bull from an office cubical in your chino pants, flip flops and Nike t-shirt we’ll begin professionally: with a letter.
Yes, I’m aware that I can remove my name from Spokeo’s “modern phonebook”, but what would be the point? You’re one out of a hundred electronic info breeding sites. I’d have to spend my Sunday afternoon social networking hours scrubbing my name off the internet wall to make a dent in my virtual image.
My situation also has a slight catch; I’m a freelance writer (so now you can fill in the “unknown” under occupation) and it’s part of my job description to have a platform. That means I’m supposed to be splattering my name across the World Wide Web the way a small child spews vomit, the way an old man throws a bucket of soapy water on the gas spill in his driveway, like a ten year old boy trying to kill a sunfish with his air gun. You’re technologically savvy enough to get the picture.
Since you’re tossing my personal stats and images around the world could we begin by getting the basics correct? You’ve got me listed as in a Caucasian woman (correct) in her 30’s AND her 40’s. You know I’ve got a fireplace in my living room but you can’t figure out if I spent a summer in a pair of Daisy Duke’s? How difficult can it be to establish my birth date since it appears on every public document known to Uncle Sam: my birth certificate, marriage license, children’s birth certificates, driver’s license, the mortgages I’ve held, my vehicle registration, library card and the Super Savers Buddy program at our local grocery? Yes, Ambiguous Person, I could have strutted a few summers in Daisy Duke’s if I had been an orphan and in fact, in the ‘80’s, I possessed more shoulder pads than the Colt’s locker room.
You’ve got me living in a “middle class” home built in 2001 with no swimming pool AND no central air or central heating. I’m not sure why anyone would search the web to discover how I’m maintaining my body temperature but don’t you think anything built after 1970 would have central air? Doesn’t it seem odd that I would be living in a home with a median home price of $368,000 surviving on space heaters and a well used fireplace? I’m pretty sure central air is required by our Home Owners Association (Yes, document how I’m living beneath an HOA dictator.)
I must say my “listing” looks downright drab when I compare it to my spouse, one Michael Wilcox. When did he move into a home worth $1M+? This is news to me, my neighbors, and the agent currently working to sell our home. Either, you’ve done a bit of loose rounding OR Mr. Michael Wilcox is maintaining some serious property other than the one I’m scrubbing down each week. Are you telling me my husband has a secret family living in a home twice the value of mine?
In fact, I’d like to meet this man you’ve got residing with me. He’s a left wing activist, (and he told me he voted for McCain!) his hobbies include sky diving, body building, high stakes gambling, whiskey tours and secret trips to Canada. He’s a member of the NRA, NVF, NCAA and the NRP (Oh, so he’s bi-political?). He owns more stocks than a Kansas corn field and has invested heavily in a Brazilian boogala berry enterprise since 1986 (how did he manage that kind of money in high school as a summer farm hand?). Not only is this man sitting on a load of real estate, he’s got outstanding health insurance, a dental plan and disability insurance. I see he subscribes to Personal Defense, Quilters Corner, and Sudoku Today. He also missed three payments on his Home Depot credit card back in 1996 which still haunts his credit rating to this day. Unfortunately he can’t afford central heating either.
Ambiguous Person, since it’s obvious you’re struggling to locate the factual details of everyone’s net identity, I’m authorizing you to juice up “Monica Wilcox” a little; turn me into a woman this Michael Wilcox of Ridgeview Drive would be struggling to keep up with. Tell them I’m non-political YET I’m an active representative for the Tea Party of Texas. Note how I enjoy weekends on the Great Barrier Reef, Christmas in Tibet and own property on the cooler side of Venus. Make my subscriptions look sophisticated yet edgy; chalk me up for Cruising World, Artforum International and Exotic Body Art Today. And while we’re at it, could you switch me to a “YES” on the central air/heat?
I appreciate your timely cooperation in this matter. Hopefully, I have helped you blow a good ten minutes in your long work day.
Sincerely,
Monica Wilcox (that would be the one in Texas-Austin-Ridgeview Drive-enjoys collecting stray cats)
Editor’s Note: Spokeo.com is a real website with some real, and obviously not so real, information – potentially about you. If you would like to remove yourself go to http://www.spokeo.com and type in your name. If you do indeed find yourself and want to remove yourself, click on the “Privacy” button in the lower right hand corner of the page. Now this is important: We suggest that you use a “junk” e-mail address (one that you no longer use or one that you have set up for just such a purpose as this one) otherwise, the Ambiguous Person has one more piece of your vital info which may well be the point. If you don’t have a “junk” e-mail you might try a “fifteen minute e-mail.”
Other Sloan Images Articles:
- I can only share one…
- Where the story begins…
- The Misidentity of My Virtual Self by Monica Wilcox
- Life Skill 101: Chasing Cars Around Our Heads By Monica Wilcox
- Guy and Michelle :: A trip back in Time!
by Christina
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