Something peculiar happened to Jim McHenry this afternoon. The executive staff meeting started to sound, miraculously, like his daughter’s first grade class and the CEO morphed into something akin to the teacher, Ms. Hucklesome.
CEO-enters wearing a sweater vest with I LOVE TO BOSS stitched across the breast and an open smile. “Ladies and Gentleman, open your notebooks if you can hear me…. As I can clearly see…why I hardly need to mention it… you all are doing so well today… I’d like to congratulate you for coming in so quietly and preparing for our current activity. Chris and Mark….fantastic job lining up the Flash presentations without a fist fight. You did that very well. We’re here to share any progress that any of you have made in your assignments. Now who would like to share with us first?”
Crickets- sing a low cadence
CEO- “Anyone? Anyone? Come on, surely someone did SOMETHING in the last two weeks.”
Mark-raises hand, waving with excessive energy. CEO appears not to notice Mark. Rest of table rolls their eyes and huffs.
CEO-“Ron, since you’re the first one to get our product to power up, we’ll let you share first. How is your project coming along: the reengineering of our 1.21 gigawatt flux capacitor?”
Ron-“I hate my product! I don’t want to do it! I never wanted to do it! I’ll die before that stupid thing works.” Crosses arms over chest.
CEO-“I hired you Ron because I BELIEVE you can do it. All you have to do is try, Ronny. Don’t do, just try!”
Ron-“I guess. But I really want to do what Nancy gets to do.”
CEO-“Nancy chose to be an office manager just like you chose to be a V.P. of Engineering. You’ll get a mid-life crisis in four years; you can make a career change then.” Look of compassion for Ron. “Do you think you can get something done in the next two months?” Ron nods slightly, sulking. “That would be great! All of us would be very proud of you if got something done. Okay? Today we have a very special guest speaker. Can we all say, ‘Good afternoon, Lori?’ to our C.F.O?”
Lori- stands, nods her head, and gives a slight wave. “Hi! Today I’m going to talk about our money. We did a bad job last quarter…that’s three months Mark. We went broke, no thanks to John who expensed a $700 bottle of wine at a business dinner. That’s way too much John! Stop doing that John! He has to order water or milk!” Lori sits down.
CEO- “Thank you Lori. Wonderful job making eye contact with everyone. Can you tell John how much you appreciate that he got his expense report in on time.”
Lori-“Thank you John…Do you want to sit by me at lunch today?” John shrugs.
CEO-“Chris, could you please stop texting. You are not being very considerate of your teammates. If we have to discuss this again there will be a drop in your salary.” Chris quickly conceals I-Phone.
Nancy-“When do I get to talk?”
CEO-“We’d love to hear from you Nancy. Thanks for asking so nicely.”
Nancy-“We’re going through the printer paper like school kids at the sundae bar! I know SOOOMEONNNE is printing more than their share. I only get paper at the end of the month. We’re gonna run out, I know it… so too bad!”
CEO- “Ladies and Gentleman, before you hit the print button, ask yourself. ‘Do I REALLY need a hard copy?’ Nancy, it’s okay to buy more paper, sweetheart, even in the middle of the month. That will be just fine.” Nancy smiles and goes back to swirling her chair and checking her emails.
CEO- Notices whispering in the background. “Lori and John, could you please rejoin us? Thank you so much. I really love when I have your full attention. That’s your second warning. Another error in miscommunication and they’ll be a decrease in your health benefits.” Mark raises his hand again, frantically waving. “Oh, I’m so sorry Mark. We don’t have time to discuss your progress. You’ll be the first to share next time, I promise. Okay, let’s return to our desks, turn on our computers, and try to accomplish something. If you need to gossip over the water cooler, this would be a very good time to do that. Thank you so much for your time and attention. Uno, dos, tres…let’s kick Microsoft outta first place.”
Crickets- sing a low cadence
Other Sloan Images’ Articles:
- Let’s Chat about the first time I met Ms. Katie… :: Omaha Wedding Photographer
- Among the trees… the leaves… :: Omaha Family Photographs
- I hope you never lose your sense of wonder… :: Omaha Children’s Photographer
- A Vintage Twist… :: Omaha Wedding Photographer
by Christina
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