Merry Christmas Everyone! This year Mom said if we were old enough to show up for our soccer game without shoes we’re old enough to write the newsletter. We have had the busiest year, and did lots of great things, like slumber parties and roller-skating and hiding cicada exoskeletons in our Dad’s underwear drawer.
Dodger-Don’t tell phem we’re doing phis because Dad’s stuck on level thirty-one of Borderlands and Mom hasn’t been out of bed for like two weeks.
Madison-Dooood-Geeer! I’m typing this….that means you get to sit and read it!
Dodger- But I can’t read, I’m just four… not big like you. Will you tell phem how I lost my four front teeph trying to ride my scooter over a fire hydrant. ♪♪“Ohhhhh I fought the fire hydrant and the fire hydrant won.”♪♪
2009 was a bad year for our dog. Mom kept blaming me every time a shoe turned up missing until Mongrel started to look pregnant. The vet took out three of my flip flops, Mom’s leather clog and a swim flipper. She’s okay but now our shoes smell like Tabasco sauce when it rains. Soooo embarrassing! Our pet crickets had a great year! We bought them to feed to our corn snake, but we liked them way better, so we secretly flushed the snake down the toilet and it showed up on Easter morning in the Marley’s (our neighbors) kitchen sink. Marty Marley is in my grade and he told me that his mom FREAKED OUT and ran the dispenser for a full 10 minutes before the thing stopped twitching and they could no longer tell if it’s stripes ran vertical or horizontal.
Dodger-I wish I could have seen Herman after phat! Totally gross!! Have you told phem about my front pheefh. Phey will want to know about phat for sure.
Dad and his boss decided this year that he needed a break so he has been on a video game sabbatical. He’s made it to a full blown Colonel in Call of Duty and now we’re talking about taking a family trip to THE gaming show in Las Vegas so he can compete. Otherwise, he helps Mom with the laundry and vacuuming. I sure wish his sabbatical would end because all my clothes have pink swirls on them now and I can no longer go to sleep without Modern Warfare blasting from the T.V. room.
Dodger- Are you telling phem about the sick balls phey found in Mom’s chest and phat she’s going back to phe hospital again after Christmas?
Madison- No Dodge! You know we can’t tell anyone about that.
Dodger-Why not? I tell everyone when I’m phrowing up?
Madison-No one wants to hear about throw-up at Christmas! People have too many happy things to think about like free shipping on Amazon and Black Friday shopping lines. December is about forgetting the bad things so you can remember it all over again on Jan 1st. Why do you think all the adults look so horrible on New Years Day?
Dodger-Okay, but if I don’t get Mario Super Duper Brothers for Christmas, I’m going to be mad about it all of December and January and April too.
Madison-It’s like everyone always says; “If you don’t have anything good to say, make up a good lie.”
Dodger-I know! I know! Tell phem that we made this huge space ship air balloon and we accidentally let it go while I was playing in it and phey had to call out Paul Blart: Mall Cop and Ben Ten to save me.
Madison-That other family already tried that and now they have a reality show and are hosting Wipeout. That’s what I heard anyway.
Dodger-I know, I know. Tell phem that Mom is pregnant wiff like a billion babies and soon we’ll have 20 kids in our house and will be on E.T. real soon.
Madison- No, or we’ll end up with a garage full of diapers, wipes and onesies. The paparazzi will be falling out of our Magnolia tree.
Dodger-Oh I love phat song, ♪♪“Papa…papa-RAHT-SEE. Darling don’t be kind ‘cause I’ll smear you for all time.”♪♪
Mom is as skinny now as a Ralph Lauren model. Her wedding gown fits again, even after thirteen years of Oreo addiction and the leftovers of two live births. She also started working on her “To Do” list; like she went para-gliding off a fourteener, rode a mechanical bull and pierced her navel to add some bling to her favorite high school half shirts. She finally figured out brown hair is boring, shaved her head and bought a Julia Roberts wig. Then she started sneaking us out of school on Friday afternoons to do important things like eat Amy’s Ice Cream and play with puppies at the city pound.
Madison-You see Dodge, there are some good things that have happened to us this year, and we didn’t even have to lie about it.
Dodger-Yeah, since Mom stopped doing phe cleaning, no one has found phat bowl of dead tadpoles under my bed yet. Phey are turning fuzzy and green and really stink. Wanna see?
Madison-Sure, this looks good enough.
Dodger-It’s a good phing you told phem about my pheeff. Phat will make phem very happy about Christmas.
Madison-It sure will.
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by Christina
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